Approaching 40: Mortality
At 40, two worlds collide
This wasn’t originally on my list of topics to discuss, but some recent events have brought this topic to the front of my mind. I think that of all the birthdays in one’s life (aside from maybe a bar or bat mitzvah or equivalent for other religions), turning 40 is perhaps the one that is given the most significance. The reason for this I think boils down to statistics. In previous centuries, if you made it to 40, that was a big deal, and also meant that you were essentially cheating death at every moment. In the modern world, where the average life span is pushing 80, then 40 is the point where you have statistically lived half of your life. From here comes the term “over the hill” and while the rest of the series has focused on reasons why this absolutely should not be the case, I don’t hold anything back here on this blog, so as a podcaster I listen to says: “I’m going to head straight into the awkwardness and anxiety, and hopefully come out fine on the other side.”
First of all, the phenomenon of death and the mourning that accompanies it is among two of my weirder interests (the other being prison) and I really don’t know why. When I think about this I find it is related to places/areas/events that are worlds unto themselves, for which most people can’t comprehend the size and complexity of these things. Another example of this is airports. Do you ever think about all the different things that need to happen in an airport to get hundreds of planes off the ground on any given day, and then repeat that feat day after day? It’s mind-boggling!
Anyway, by the time you’re 40, you have most likely experienced death. While possible, you probably no longer have any living grandparents. If you went to college, statistics say a few of those friends have also left this world, whether because of tragic illness/accidents or succumbing to drugs or other addictions. In our modern world, 40 might be the very first time we have to confront death head-on as a possibility for us as well (God forbid). The invincibility of our early years crashes head-on into the reality of our time being limited.
But 40 being a mid-point also means that those who had an auxiliary role in your life may have also passed on. For example, my first boss and mentor just passed away a last week (which will probably be the subject of a separate post). My first boss after college has also died after having a stroke at the office. You’ve now lived a generation from the people who helped you establish your life, and the time has come for you to fill the roles that they once had.
So how do I, or us 40-year-olds deal with these sometimes constant reminders of death? My wife gave some good perspective on this when I told her I was hurting after my mentor’s death. She said you have to remember the memories and the good things they did for you and know that they took pride in you while they were alive and that they take pride in you in the world to come, and I think that is a wonderful perspective to have.
One of the things I am most thankful to my parents for (and there is a lot, even though I haven’t mentioned it yet in this series) is allowing me to experience death from a very young age. I wasn’t very old (maybe 11 or 12) when my father brought me along to a shiva house for someone I knew from shul. My first funeral was not much later. Knowing from an early age that death was something that happens I think really gave me a good perspective as I continued through life when other deaths and tragedies happened.
I also think that the way Judaism approaches death and mourning is among the most logical of all the world religions. We have a fairly well-constructed concept of what happens in the next world, and for those who remain, the order of shiva, shloshim, and year of mourning, supports the mourner in their time of need and at the same time allows them the space to mourn, but prevents them from cutting themselves off from the community. Mourning is another area where having the support of a community is critical, and the personal outcomes of mourning alone can be very detrimental.
Death on some level is the great equalizer, no one can escape, and this too is something I usually think about when I hear tragic news. If we harp too much on any one tragedy, it becomes unhealthy, and our relationship with other people, and probably also God will start to suffer. This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t question or think about things that seem unfair. Assign them fair time, and then realize that you aren’t the one in control. Also, know that there is more beyond this world and that those who are in “the beyond” now know a lot of the answers that you always wanted to know. I find that inspiring, and that these people can be advocates for you at times of need.
Am I afraid of death, not really. This is mostly because I try my hardest to live life to the fullest (and share it with you here on this blog - subscribe already!). If you’ve lived a full life, it doesn’t matter when “retirement” is forced upon you. In the sports world (an area from where I don’t usually draw many examples) the goal is to retire at your prime, so everyone can remember how great you were, and not that you were washed up for 3 seasons before you called it quits (this I am afraid is going to be a major issue with the recent ultra-mega contracts that have been signed recently. Will Ohtani really still be good in 15 years?). The same goes for life, live to your maximum and no matter when the time comes, you’ll go out at your height.
With wishes to everyone for a long, fulfilling life!
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